OuiLui’s Blog

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. Most of you think I either 1 => Fell off the deep end and checked myself into a mental hospital, or 2 => Fell off the deep end and committed suicide.

Well folks, I’m pleased to announce that I have not fell off the deep end. In fact, I’m doing quite well.

Since my last drama for your mama days, I decided to travel around the world and forget about my worries and problems.  WELL, I’m Steph.. and Steph ALWAYS follows through with what she says.

In the past couple months, I’ve gone through Europe (London, Paris, Lucerne, Milan, Rome, Venice, and Munich)… then came home for a couple weeks, then went through Asia!

Now.. I’m pooped and can’t figure out what freaking time zone I’m in. BUT.. I am definitely a happy camper.  There is just something about being in a million countries that just puts your life back into perspective. Ya know?

Anyway - Just wanted to let you all know that I’m alive, and doing well…

Love ya guys!

That’s right my loves…. STEPH IS BACK!

When you think things are finally in your comfort zone, something happens that totally messes you up…emotionally, mentally, and even physically. 

Trying to balance the internal war within your soul is something that no one should have to experience. By the time the battles are over, you’re left broken, and struggling to regain what little ounce of life you have left within your body. 

Things that once meant love, now mean pain. Things that once meant happiness, now mean sadness and sorrow. Searching deep within my being to find the light at the tunnel, but seeing nothing but darkness… Will the calm after the storm ever come?

As much as it seems life may be over, I will endure the pain… I will survive…. I will triumph, and I will pick up the pieces and start a new beginning…

There comes a time when you feel like things cant get any worse. You’re frustrated with the cards that life has dealt you and you wanna fold.  You live day by day wondering when the pain and frustration will end, but as each day passes,  what starts off as sadness becomes hurt, then anger… until you finally throw in your towel and say, "OK, I’m done. I’ve had enough".  You feel like you’re trapped in a water well, and no matter how loud you yell, or how hard you try to climb out to bring yourself back to the surface, your body goes limp, or no one heeds your call.

You begin to second guess yourself about the decisions you’ve made in life.  The direction you took…Was it worth it? Should I, or better yet, could I have done something different to change my current destiny?  I guess I’ll never know. 

So I continue living as best as I can, yet at the same time, trying to figure out what’s going on… with me and my life….

Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don’t understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryin to stay by the phone,
‘Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin’ my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don’t have much to say,
So, I want you to know it’s a little fucked up,
That I’m stuck here waitin’, at times debatin’,
Tellin’ you that I’ve had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where’d you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe’en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin’ my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I’m doin’ fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin’ to say,
And I’ll tell you, I want you to know it’s a little fucked up,
That I’m stuck here waitin’, at times debatin’,
Tellin’ you that I’ve had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where’d you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,

I want you to know it’s a little fucked up,
That I’m stuck here waitin’, no longer debatin’,
Tired of sittin’ and hatin’ and makin’ these excuses,
For while you’re not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don’t really know what you got ’til it’s gone,
I guess I’ve had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won’t be here and you’ll can sing it…

Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone.
Where’d you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it’s been forever,
That you’ve been gone,

So, today marks the last day of 2005.  So much has happened this year, it seems that no words can truly express or explain my thoughts of this year.  Can I say I had the best time I’ve ever had?  Maybe…. Can I say also say that this has been the worst time I’ve ever had?  Maybe….  Either way, so many great things have happened.  Milestones that I’ve acheived, and things that have happened are unparralleled to any other year prior… For that, I’m forever grateful.  On the same token, a part of my life this year has been unfulfilling due to circumstances that were beyond my control. I’ve made many sacrifices, and have had extreme changes to my life.  Will things go back to status quo in 2006?  Who knows?  Do I wish things go back to normal? Maybe, but then maybe not.  As this year has passed, I’ve learn to adjust, and now, today is the norm for me…

Regardless, I left 2005 with a bang, and I have a feeling 2006 will be equally as unique and exciting.

So, we’re going on to a halloween party tonight…. What, you say? Steph, the girl that lives in her cave…. going out???? YUP! It’s me! Finally going out to my second function in 5 years.. (hehe… just kidding) Although I think it’s going to be great, I can’t even begin to TELL you how painful finding a costume is… To get 4 girls to decide WHAT to wear, HOW to wear it, COMPLETELY match, LOOK hot, and having EVERYONE comfortable wearing the same thing is a MAJOR task! Needless to say, through all the grunts and crying, we finally decided on a spectular outfit… At first, I was EXTREMELY anxious on what I was going to wear… ( pratically nothing, mind you ), but as the days, to hours, to minutes passed, I got a bit more excited to get all "dolled up" for this party that we were going to…… I hope it’s fun….. =P because I’m not dressing up like this for NOTHING!

Now…. It’s 2:46 in the morning, and we just got back from going to this place called V20… I’m extremely tired, but I tell ya… I had a blast.  Four hot chicks, dressed up as fem-bots (from Austin Powers) ruling the entire club… As much as I say, yeah, I don’t like to draw this kind of attention to myself… it was kinda cute. After all, the girls got together, and showed everyone what we were made of….. nothing could stop us!  We were going to enter into a costume contest, which we would have won for SURE… but we were 10 minutes too late.  We would have totally taken first place.  (I’ll show you the pix as soon as I get a chance to upload them… then you can see first hand)

Anyway, through all the pain… the end result was fantastic…..

So… now it’s time to go 99… see ya!

Have you ever felt like you were living a double life? Lately it’s been like that for me.  Pardon me for sounding like a weirdo, but I feel like I’m living inside a bubble.  A bubble that no one is aware of or can get into.  Now don’t think I’m a wacko or anything, just bear with me for a sec as I explain.  Let’s take for instance work….. while you’re at work, things are in motion, you’re like a machine and when you’re in gear, nothing can stop you.  One that perpetual motion starts you’re in this zone that you can’t get out of.  BUT, as soon as you get home, it’s like everything changes. In a way, this is also a bubble or double life…

This, of course, is not the reason I’m writing this, BUT for me, I feel like I have two lives, one where I feel totally and utterly comfortable with, and the other where it makes me feel like I’m completely out of my skin.  Strange you say? Yes…. it is incredibly strange. As much as I think this so called "double life" that I’m living in is a danger zone, I’m afraid my little bubble will pop and my life will be plain and simple…. average…… I hate average….

4 years ago I quit drinking because I felt like my body couldn’t take my crazy alcohol consumption anymore…. 2 years ago I quit drinking coffee because I thought that coffee was bad for my body and I wanted to be healthy… 1 year ago, I decided that tattoos were bad, so I under went the most painful tattoo laser removal treatments in my life.  After 5 treatments, I still need 5 more….3 months ago ( due to my little health kick ), I decided to quit smoking….

Now.. I’m just plain Steph….the one that has no vices…. average….. i hate average…

Therefore, double lives or bubbles of any kind are good…. whether it’s work related, fun related, anything related… it’s good…. as long as it’s controlled…

Yeah, I know, I know… again… Steph makes no sense…. get use to it… =P

For all of you who sent me an email asking me if everything was ok with Kinh and I…. the answer is yes.. (thank you for caring so much). The post had nothing to do with him.  I (Miss cheery all the time), was having a very bad day.  Bless your hearts =)

Things happen in life that can be totally unexpected.  Yet, when they happen, you think to yourself, CRAP!! I knew it all along…. if so, why the hell is it such a shock to me now?  Torn between the reality of what is, and what should be, is something that is sometimes too unbearable to contemplate.  To the average person reading this, you’ll have no idea what I’m talking about, but when you apply it to something, it all makes perfect sense.  Today… life is messed up… but, at the same time… so great…. how could things seem so torn, be so good and so bad at the same time????